That really excited feeling you feel when you are on the edge of getting to know someone. You wonder what they wonder, if they wonder about getting to know you. They do. And you do. And they do. And you are both wanting to and acting on it and both feeling the really excited feeling when you are on the edge of getting to know someone. And then, you fall.

It has been a while since I have written anything of sincerity.
Permit me to change that.
I seek approval of people. Through this medium, through Facebook, through my daily life. Approval. Why? Because it affirms me that I have worth. I need people to need me, I need people to want me. Why? Because when I look at myself, I see nothing worth preserving, nothing at all…but then I think about what I must be worth to those around me and that is what keeps me stepping through life in a forward motion. Maybe that is what worth is defined as anyways? I daresay not.

For the sake of living, worth must be more than the day to day, than the glances of strangers, whether good or bad. Worth must be more than people.

Worth is more than people.
God defined worth.
God is worth. God defined worth when he looked at me.
God defined worth when he looked at me to the point of the most incomprehensible pain.

Over the last few weeks I have the strangely passionate desire to be loved, to be in love, to, for once, have something romantic work out to my favor. At least that is what I told myself. What I failed to realize, or rather what I am realizing as these words bleed from my fingertips, is that not having any prior infatuations transform into relationships was the thing that worked out to my favor. How blind I can be. Can you hear the sound of scales falling?

That said, this frivolous revelation honestly changes nothing about this season of my life, about this semester. I daresay that this stage of my life has been the most challenging yet.
I have cried more than I thought humanly possible multiple times simply in the last two weeks. I have broken glass at train tracks. I have screamed at stars. I have listened to more screamo.
Life, this semester, was hard. It was a real, true struggle.
A lot changed, a lot failed, a lot was felt.
Not only in me, in so many of those around me, in those that I love.
I am so angry. I am so hurt. I am so weak and tired and alone.
Simply writing this makes me want to scream.

This is usually the part where I say “but it’s okay; God has a plan.”
I do not doubt that, not for a second but this time, this once, I do not feel to conclude this with a happy ending.
The lack of a happy ending makes it feel more like real life.
Fin. 

Alone.

The world which I see through these eyes is dusty as light pours from the orange street lamps. The darkness, the void between them seems unending from misty eyes. Single, lonely tears trace hot streaks of present pain. Under gentle breezes and finger tips, I shatter. Under anxious and angry and addled gazes, I break. I weep. The night draws to a close as words are exchanged. I look into the mirror, blankly staring and the shards of my countenance. Soap clears the remnants of tears and strives to erase blemishes. Intensity fades to dreams as I close my eyes and drift.

Rode my red bike past the crowds of those I will never know. Truly, in that moment I felt minimal. Rode my red bike in the warm, orange sunset and saw pieces of broken glass on the train tracks. Truly, first thing I thought of was your eyes. Rode
my red bike with the cool evening breeze against my face as I sped through the quite neighborhood. Truly, in that moment I felt eternal and thought of the lives it held that I will never know.
What the hell is wrong with me? I do not feel myself. I feel like someone replaced my heart with abstract lenses to peer at the world. At this point, however, that would be preferable.

Do explain this to me: the anticipation of waiting for life to start yet watching it race past you.

Rain is falling and you wonder why you want to fall in love. Your heart is longing and you realize you are longing for this summer and what you experienced in distant lands. You see the lights of the city reflected in the puddles of water and you reflect about the time when your heart felt closest to the Creator. You think about growing old and purpose and how there is so much about this life to loathe, so much pain and sadness while you remember just how blessed you are. You sit in the stillness of the evening, recalling a friendship and feel very alone. The light breaks through the curtains at night like shooting stars against your wall and you wish that they were so that you could wish more…

Couple that with the perfectly natural desire to be invisible.
Scraps of my soul.

…